Help For The Unpoetic Man: A Royalty Free Valentine Poem

Most men can’t write good poetry. We know it’s true. So I have created a royalty-free valentine that you can use as your own. Free of charge. Just fill in her name at the beginning and you’re good to go.

My darling ___________

Your facial arrangement is more than acceptable. Normal men are intimidated by your beauty. Fortunately, I am not normal.

Your eyes pierce my heart with nuclear force, melting the flesh off my skeleton leaving a crispy, barely beating heart flopping about, easily squashed by passing vehicles or pedestrians.

Your voice is more melodious than a thousand songbirds trapped in a cave by unrelenting winter gales before they could fly south. I would bottle the sound if sound was willing to be put in a bottle and sealed with a synthetic cork. Alas this is not currently possible with today’s bottling technology. Perhaps a digital recorder would suffice to capture the music of your words, but only if a 96 kHz sampling rate was used.

Your character is as flawless as a diamond carved in the vacuum of space by the most advanced alien diamond cutter of all time on the best cutting day of their life which exceeded the quality of their previous best day by a thousand times.

I would gladly allow a giant sequoia tree to fall on me if it would grant me your attention for the half second before I am crushed.

Do you like me? Check Yes___ or No___.

You’re welcome.